(Snoring)
(Television Playing)
Whoa!
Put me down!
(Television) Say, uh, Daisy Lou,
would you like to hear a tune?
Eh, cousin...
(Piano Playing)
Oh, Blackie!
You're wonderful!
Sweetheart, I'll talk to him.
Son, your mother and me would like for you
to cozy up to the Finkelstein boy.
He's a bright kid, and, uh...
he's going to military school, and--
remember, he was an Eagle Scout.
Arnold...
Will you shut up?
We're not going to have a family brawl!
...and a retard.
We've put up with a hell of a lot.
(Starts Blender)
Can this wait?
Build your goddamn muscles, huh?
You know, you could build your muscles picking strawberries.
You know, bend and scoop...
like the Mexicans.
Shit, maybe I could get you a job
with United Fruit.
I got a buddy with United Fruit.
Get you started.
Start with strawberries,
you might work your way up to these goddamn bananas!
When, boy?
When...are you going to get your act together?
(Burp)
Gross!
Oh, good God Almighty me.
I think he's the Antichrist.
Anthony, I want to talk to you.
Now, listen!
Don't walk away from me when I'm talking to you!
You get a goddamn job before sundown,
or we're shipping you off to military school
with that goddamn Finkelstein shit kid!
Son of a bitch!
Up in smoke
That's where my money goes
In my lungs
Sometimes up my nose
(Yelling In Japanese)
When troubled times
Begin to bother me
I take a toke
And all my cares go up in smoke
Buenos dias, Pedro.
(Speaking Spanish)
All my things in the lowrider
The lowrider is a little higher
Lowrider drives a little slower
Lowrider is a real goer
Hey
Lowrider knows every street, yeah
Lowrider is the one to meet, yeah
Lowrider don't use no gas, now
Lowrider don't drive too fast
Take a little trip
Take a little trip...
(Grunting)
So fine
My baby's so doggone fine
I do it to her nearly all of the time
So fine
And I know she loves me so
(Gasping)
Oooohhhh
Could this be magic?
Ooohhhhh, yeah
Magic
Yeah
La haaaaaa
Ah ha
Uh, you girls need a ride?
- No! - No!
You sure? I'm going that way.
No!
Later for you, little jailbaits.
Oh, what's that?
She's hitchhiking!
(Screech)
Watch out! Coming over!
Geronimo!
(Horns Honking)
Hey! Double bubble!
Come on, baby! I'll give you a ride!
Yeah, bend over. I'll drive you home.
Hey, you ain't a chick!
Yeah, I know.
That's the only way I can get anybody to stop.
Hey, that's false advertising, man.
I know, but listen,
I slept in a ditch last night, man.
I almost froze my balls off.
I didn't think you had any.
Wow! Hey, I really like your car, man.
Oh, you do?
Wow! Did you do this yourself?
Yeah, I customized it myself.
Wow! Looks fantastic, man.
Yeah, I guess it does, man.
I'll give you a ride. Come on, let's go.
I gotta get my stuff.
Hurry up. I got a lot to do.
Shit.
Okay, let's go.
In just a minute, man.
I got a few more things I gotta get, okay?
I'll be right back.
Hurry up, man.
What are you going to do,
move in, man?
(Police Radio)
(Crash)
(Tires Screeching)
Into first gear...
Here we go! Hey, hey!
Second gear! Hey!
Third gear!
Here we goooo!
Ha ha ha!
Oh!
Hey, man, how far you going, man?
Right here would be fine, man.
You ain't scared of a little speed, are you, man?
Oh, you got some speed, man?
Huh? No, I don't got no speed, man.
You know what I do got, though, man?
I got a joint, man.
Oh, wow. All right.
Come on, light it up.
Let's get Chinese eyes, man.
What kind of joint is this, man?
It's a heavy-duty joint, man.
It looks like a toothpick, man.
No, it's not a toothpick, man.
It is a toothpick, man.
No, man, it's just...
It is a toothpick.
I must've got it in the other pocket, man.
Hold on. I got the bullshit right here, man.
Oh, that's my dick.
Yeah, there we go.
There you go, man.
Light that sucker up, man.
We'll go to the moon.
Jeez, I hope your dick's bigger than this, man.
Hey, man, you want to get out and walk?
Hey, you want to get high, man?
Does Howdy Doody got wooden balls, man?
I got a joint here I've been saving
for a special occasion.
Fire it up.
I hope the drums don't mess up
your upholstery, man.
I'm in a band, too, man.
I'm a lead singer, man.
That's hip, man.
We play everything from Santana to El Chicano, man.
Hey, I'm just a love machine
And I don't work for nobody but you
I'm just a love machine
And I don't work for nobody but you
Woman, my temperature rise
And then I go for her thighs
And then I say...
(Singing In Spanish)
(Speaking In Spanish)
Is that a joint, man?
That there looks like a quarter pounder, man.
There's a plane.
Hey, be careful with that shit, man.
What, is it heavy stuff, man?
Will it blow me away?
You better put your seat belt on, man.
I'll tell you that much.
I been smoking since I was born, man.
I can smoke anything, man.
I smoke that Michoacan, man,
Acapulco Gold, man.
I even smoke that tied stick, you know?
Tied stick?
That stuff that's tied to a stick.
Oh, Thai stick.
That didn't even do nothing to me.
I could probably smoke this whole joint
and still walk away, man.
It wouldn't be no problem at all, man.
Toke. Toke it out, man.
(Mumbling)
Kind of grabs you by the boo-boo, don't it?
Hey, man...
What?
Oh!
Hey, what's in this shit, man?
Mostly Maui-wowie, man.
Yeah?
But it's got some Labrador in it.
What's Labrador?
It's dog shit.
What?
Yeah, my dog ate my stash, man.
Had it on the table,
and the little motherfucker ate it, man.
Yeah?
I had to follow him around with a little baggie
for three days before I got it back.
Really blew the dog's mind.
You mean we're smoking dog shit, man?
Gets you high, don't it?
(Radio) ...hoppin'an'a-boppin'
And a-singin'his song
All the little birds on Jaybird Street
Love to hear the robin go tweet, tweet, tweet
Rockin'robin
Tweet, tweet, tweet
Rock, rock, rockin'robin
Tweet...
I think it's even better than before, you know?
I wonder what Great Dane tastes like, man.
Ah, man.
That's some heavy shit, man.
Yeah.
Hey, man...
am I driving okay?
I think we're parked, man.
Oh, shit.
Goddamn, what was in that shit, man?
I never had no dope like that in my life.
I smoked a lot of shit before, man,
but goddamn, man, that's heavy shit.
You okay?
I can't breathe.
What's the matter?
I can't breathe, man.
Well, just...
Well, here.
Here, I got something that will mellow you out, man.
You're just freaking out.
I never smoked no shit like that before.
Take these, man.
This will mellow you out, man.
What is this, man?
Just take them.
Hey, don't take those, man.
What?
I almost gave you the wrong shit, man.
I already took them, man.
Ho ho ho ho!
What do you mean ho ho ho ho?
Wow, man!
What was that shit, man?
You just ate the most acid
I've ever seen anybody eat in my life.
I never had no acid before, man.
I hope you're not busy for about a month.
Shit, I'm going to die, man.
That stuff's going to make me die, man.
No, that's good acid, man.
It's going to make me freak out, man.
I've seen those guys that had too many acid.
Their heads look like a pumpkin, man.
Relax, man.
Hey, mellow out, man!
Now just go, ommmmm...
What?
Do it, man.
Ohhhhh.
Ommmmm.
Oh, shit.
Mellowwwww.
Mel...
Mellow.
Mellowwwww.
Yeah.
You better now, man?
Yeah.
You mellow?
Yeah.
You feel all right, huh?
Yeah.
Aaaaah!
What are you doing, man?
Sometimes that helps, man.
Can we get off this street, man?
We're parked in a bad spot.
That's heavy, man.
The cops just went by, man.
They're right there.
We're being pulled over, man.
That's heavy, man.
Aahhhh!
They're coming, man!
Ha ha ha!
This is cool, man!
I never had it before.
I didn't think it was going to be like this, man.
Ha ha ha!
What's the problem, son?
Ha ha ha!
Aahhhh!
Roll down your window.
(Knocking On Window)
Keep on knocking, but you can't come in
Don't, man. It's the cops.
Ha ha ha!
Wait, I gotta roll down the window, man.
Weigh the anchor!
How much does it weigh?
I don't know. I forgot.
You forgot?
I saw that
Can I see your license, sir?
What?
Your license. Where's your license?
It's on the bumper. Back there, man.
No. I mean your driver's license.
Oh. Oh, yeah!
Yeah, I got my driver's license, man.
Hee hee hee!
I just thought of something real funny, man.
Here's your mama.
Ha ha ha!
Sir, what is your name?
Wh-What?
What's your name?
Isn't it on there on the license, man?
Yeah, that's it. Pedro de Pacas.
Just wait here a minute, huh?
Hey, hurry back!
I miss you already, darling.
I gotta get rid of this dope, man.
Don't act the fool.
Oh, okay.
We're gonna get busted.
Hee hee hee!
I'm blind!
Oh, shit! I'm blind!
(Babbling)
Ha ha ha!
Hey, hey...
I can see clearly now, the rain...
Hee hee hee!
Hey, how long does this shit last, man?
And what is your name, sir?
You scared me, man.
I told you my name.
Sir, what's your name?
(Coughing)
The dude wants to know your name, man.
(Vomiting)
Uh, his name is Raaalph, man.
I was sitting in the coffee shop
Just minding my own affair
When all of a sudden
This policeman caught me unaware, man
He said, ''Is your name Pedro?''
I says, ''Uh, yeah, I guess so''
He said, ''Then come with me''
'''Cause you're the man we've been looking for''
I said, ''Hey, man, I've been framed!''
''Hey, no, really, man, I was framed!''
''Aw, I never do nothin' wrong, man''
''But every time, I get the blame''
''I been framed!''
They put me in the line-up
And let the bright lights shine
There was 1 0 poor dudes like me
Standing in that line
I knew I was a victim of somebody's evil plan
When this scroungy-looking dude
Came up and said, ''Yeah, that's him, man''
Hey, wait a minute, man, I've been framed, man!
Oh, listen to me,Judge, I was framed!
I never do nothin' wrong
Oh, but every time, I get the blame
Hey, I've been framed!
You boys are in a lot of trouble.
That dude gave me the first, second, and third degree
He said, ''Where were you on the night of July 29?''
I said, ''Man, I was home in bed''
He said, ''Judge, that man's lying''
I said, ''Wait a minute, man, I was framed, man!''
Hey, don't do this to me, man, really
Because I think I've been framed, man!
I never do nothin' wrong
Aw, but every time, I get the blame
Aw, I was framed!
Fucking vodka, man!
(Laughter)
Oh, shit.
Hey, I'm down here.
I didn't see you.
You can sleep in that bedroom right there, man.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, it's cool there.
Check you in the morning.
Listen, where's the bathroom?
It's right there. See that door?
See you tomorrow.
We got rehearsal.
Okay.
Listen, if you hear some noise in the bedroom,
it's just me and my old lady.
Next tune you hear will be dueling bedsprings.
Check you in the morning.
(Drums Playing)
(Man) Amigos, presenting y'all's new uniforms.
All right!
Lookit here!
Check it out!
Hey, man, I can't wear this stuff, man.
This is terrible, man.
Look, it don't even fit.
No, baby, you clean as Skeeter's peter.
You just don't understand the new style.
It's too short, man.
We'll just make a few minor adjustments, homes.
Hold it, man.
I can't wear this.
Aw, Curtis, man!
My man!
Look at these uniforms!
Didn't I put them in the pocket?
These are outta sight!
I hope mine is as bad as this!
You see the new cuts on them?
All we need is rhinestones and pointed shoes!
Hey, these uniforms are lame, man.
What you mean lame, sucker?
Pedro, where's the white dude
you said was playing drums?
That's him, man.
That's James, the bass player, man.
What's happening?
Seriously, man, these look like waiter uniforms.
- You don't like them, man? - No.
I'll be in the kitchen.
He's right, man. These are lame.
This is the new cut. Y'all be bad.
If we're going to wear uniforms, man,
let's everybody wear something different.
Yeah, that's it.
Everybody wears something different
but the same, you know?
I gotta get out of this stuff.
Hey...
Get us something else, man.
Pedro, this is Curtis, baby.
Yeah, I know Curtis, man.
I'm on top of it. Rest easy.
Curtis is on the case.
Hurry up, man. We gotta go score a lid.
(Starts Car)
(Radio) ...and we'd like to rock-'n'- roll
and play some great music.
I have a song by the Search Boys.
The Search Boys are going to go searching.
Don't ask me what they're going to go searching for,
but they're gonna go searching.
So, let's do it.
I searching
every which a-way
I searching, brother
I searching
I'm a-searching every which-away-ay-ay
But I'd like to go to the mountain
You know I dream these things someday
Oh, hear what I say
I hear what you say
Where the Kona Gold or Maui-wowie
We sold each other and need
We need...
(Pedro) I can't believe we can't find no grass nowhere, man.
(Man Stoner) Too many people are smoking it now.
It really makes it tough on the rest of us.
Yeah.
The prices have gone crazy, man.
Some people pay 1 00 bucks a lid, man.
Wow!
Who lives here, man?
That's my cousin Strawberry.
He's probably got some dope.
He's always got the best smoke.
I hope so, man.
Yeah, well, he's cool.
He's a little weird.
He went over to Vietnam, man,
and he came back all weirded out, you know.
That Nam grass will do it to you, man.
That stuff will lay you out, man.
That's what lost the war.
Whatever you do, don't say nothing
about his birthmark, because he flips out.
I ain't going to talk about nobody's birthmark.
Don't look at it, either.
Come on.
You sure it's a birthmark, man?
Sometimes that Nam grass will do weird things
to your face, too, you know.
(Knock Knock)
Who is it?
It's me--Pedro, man.
Pedro's not here.
No, I'm Pedro, man. Open up.
What's the matter, man?
Somebody's messing around, man.
Come on. It's open, man.
Hey, Strawberry!
Strawberry's not here.
(Whistles)
Hey, it's a bird.
A bird is answering the door.
Aw, wow!
What a trip.
Hey, fella.
Hey, Strawberry?
Wanna get high? Wanna get high?
Must've had a party here, man.
Wanna get high?
Hey, want something to eat, man?
They got some pizza.
Strawberry?
(Record Skipping)
Hey, Strawberry?
(Crash)
Oh, Strawberry.
Hey, what's happening, man?
How you doing?
(Bird) Starbuck! Starbuck!
Pedro?
Yeah, yeah, right. Pedro, man.
This is my friend...
uh...
Strawberry.
(Man Stoner) Hey, how you doing, man?
I'm doing, friend.
Um, oh, yeah!
Well, we were stopping by
to see if we could score some smoke, man.
Nobody's got none, you know?
So, like, we was wondering
if we could score some smoke from you.
Smoke? You want some smoke?
I'll get you some smoke, man.
All right. Yeah.
I told you we could score some from him.
What you looking at, man?
Oh, nothing!
I wasn't looking. I was just...
I wasn't looking at his neck, man.
Your friend better stay here.
We're going to go see some people of mine,
and they don't like strange dudes.
They don't fuck around.
- Well, I'll stay here. - Yeah.
Ah, look at that, man. The great outdoors, huh?
Yeah, great outdoors.
(Whistling)
Ah! El roacho.
(Coughing)
Huh.
God, it sure looks real.
Ooh...
Who are you?
Hey, how you doing?
I spilled-- I made a mess.
I was just trying...
Oh, where have you been all my life?
- We just come in... - If you don't mind...
It's not really...
(Sniffs)
uh...
Geez, I don't believe it.
(Making Duck Noises)
Oh!
(Making Elephant Noises)
Ha ha ha!
Oh, is that great?
What a rush, huh? What's that stuff like?
Good shit.
The freak with the top hat
is leaving with the basketball.
Cover the freak.
He's covered.
Have the rest of the men stand by.
Stand by.
I think we're onto something really big, Harry.
This could be the bust we've been waiting for.
Right, Sarge.
Zipping up.
(Whistle Blows)
(Strawberry Imagines Explosions)
(Imagines Gunfire)
Claymores.
What?
Claymores.
Get me up past that last hutch
and jettison me into the paddies.
What are you talking about paddies?
Ain't no paddies, just Chicanos, man.
What are you talking about?
Strike that line chatter, grunt.
If you'd deploy a little recon,
you'd see that Charlie has us surrounded.
Charlie? Oh, man. It's a cop.
Strawberry, they're around your pad, man.
They're gonna bust your pad!
Hey, Strawberry!
Are you flipped out on one of your Vietnam trips?
Hold on to your thing, man.
You take the point. I'll take the rear.
If you need air, call it in!
Where you going?
Hey, Strawberry!
Oh, shit!
Strawberry!
Fuck, man.
Fuck.
Shit.
(Music Playing)
(Telephone Ringing)
I-I-I-I... I better get that.
Hurry up.
Hello?
Hello.
Man, don't answer the phone even if it's me calling.
Man, I think it's bugged.
Pedro?
Yeah, this is Pedro. I mean, no--
Look, the house is being raided.
Get out of the house.
Hey, Sarge. Listen to this.
Did you get the weed?
Hey, man, opcays. you hear, man?
Get outsky, man.
Igpays. Igpays. Vamoose.
Sounds very Latin.
Could be the Mexican connection. Better get this down.
(Man Stoner) Did you get the dope?
Hurry back, man. There's some joints around here.
Hey, there's coke and everything, man.
Pedro, the place is full of joints.
Come on back, man.
This could be it, Harry.
(Chambers Pistol Round)
Pass the word along.
Tell the men
it's time to shoot the moon.
Shoot the moon!
No, you idiot! Not out there!
On the microphone! On the microphone.
Shoot the moon. Shoot the moon.
Hello? Can't hear you, man. Just a minute.
Hello.
Hey, Pedro? We get cut off?
We really did get cut off.
(Rattles Door)
(Clicking Receiver)
Hey. Hey. Hello?
Shit, man. How am I going to get him out of there?
Hey! Hey!
All right! Freeze! This is a bust!
The party's over, folks. You, out.
You, freak there with the red coat--no, no.
Don't swallow the dope. We know you're holding.
Just how well do you know that freak with the basketball?
Which basketball?
Sergeant, get a load of these two.
(Sergeant) What's her problem?
(Woman) Can't you see she's sick?
She's sick, all right.
It's turning blue.
Yeah? That's high-grade stuff.
Could be Peruvian flake.
That's right. Keep laughing, miss.
Just keep on laughing,
but this is not a laughing matter.
This is serious!
This stuff destroys your mind!
Can't you see she's sick? She's been through a lot.
She's all fucked up.
You watch your language, miss.
Harry, remember to get a lab sample of this stuff.
You have the right to remain silent.
If you refuse that right,
anything you say may be used against you.
Have you got the book?
No, sir.
Used against you in a... in a court of law.
Read the book!
Thank you.
Jesus!
You have the right to remain silent.
If you give that right up....
What's going on here? Hey, who are you?
We're from the finance company.
We came to reprocess the furniture, man.
That?
Yeah. We gave them a lot of chances to pay up,
but they didn't pay up.
Boss says it's got to go, man.
I'm just doing my job.
All right! Everybody out! Move everybody out!
That means you, buddy.
What the hell are you doing, Murphy?
All of you, come on. Let's go. Get out.
Everybody.
- It's locked, man. - Oh, yeah.
Let go.
Let go, man.
What's going on, man?
It's a bust.
We got to figure out some way to get you out of here. Shit.
(Bird) All right, freeze. This is a bust. Strawberry.
Ha ha ha ha!
Single file.
I wasn't looking at his neck.
I wasn't looking--
(Gunshot)
No, man. The town's dry.
There ain't no dope nowhere, man.
I got to pee.
Hey, Pedro.
Hey, Pedro, my man.
What's happening, Curtis?
What's going on?
How you doing, man?
Oh, I don't know. Hey, this your ride?
Yeah.
Wow.
I got it off my cousin Johnny.
This is your--
I mean, this bad low machine is yours?
Yeah.
Oh, Pedro. You got a taste of soul.
And style, too.
Yeah, I hear you.
You know what you need
to go with this bad ride?
A chick?
No, baby. Check these out.
Knuckles?
Genuine diamonds, baby.
Those ain't for-real diamonds, man.
What you--Hey, man! Check this out. Step back.
Ain't for real? Check this.
(Scratching)
What are you doing? You scratched my window.
You know, it's cool. It's cool.
You know what I do need?
We been looking for some smoke.
You got some?
Hey, man, I got some weed straight from Turkey.
It's what set them Arabs off.
Arabs from Turkey?
Yeah, man. They was from Turkey.
This stuff will put a hump in a camel's back.
No shit?
I wouldn't shit you, baby. This is some bad weed.
You got it on you?
It'll boogie-woogie on your brain.
All right.
Just 'cause we tight,
I'm going to let you have it for a double dime.
(Fly Buzzing)
(Man Stoner) Man, this shit ain't shit, man.
(Pedro) What?
We smoked this whole lid,
and I haven't even got a buzz yet, man.
You mean we ain't high?
I ain't high. I'll tell you that, man.
I don't feel nothin', man.
Boys, my man Curtis sure came through for us,
didn't he, man?
I'm annihilated, you know?
Dame una galleta.
What?
Get me a cookie.
Juan, don't beg me, man.
Go in the kitchen.
You must get high on lawn clippings,Jack,
'cause this ain't grass.
I'm telling you that.
Aw, you guys is tripping, man.
Curtis is our partner, man.
He came through for us.
If he sold you that, I wouldn't--
Hey. Hey, man, hide. Hide, man. It's a bust.
Freeze, you chili-chokin' pepper belly.
Let's prowl the rooms.
I'll check the rooms on the left.
What you got in here, lady?
Hey, man. Get the seeds.
Who is it, man?
It's a bust, man. Get the seeds.
Seeds?
Yeah.
Why, man? They can't bust you for seeds.
Then just hide your face.
We ain't done nothin'.
It's a bust, man.
We're clean. There's no weed.
Shh...
What's going on?
Oh, man. It's just the migra.
Who?
Oh, I forgot. Shit.
Migra?
They're looking for illegal aliens.
I forgot it's the wedding.
The wedding?
Yeah.
So, who are these guys?
They're the immigration. You know, the migra.
They're going to deport these dudes.
Deport them?
Yeah. See, my cousin
is getting married down at TJ, man,
so he calls the immigration on himself.
But why?
So he can get a free ride, man.
They take the whole wedding party,
plus they even get fed lunch, man.
So we're cool?
Yeah. We got nothin' to worry about, man,
unless you don't got a green card.
(Honking)
Hello, Uncle Chuey. This is Pedro.
Hey, man, we got deported. We're in Tijuana right now.
We need a way to get back.
You got anything needs to be picked up here?
Oh, yeah?
Yeah. Yeah. Oh-- Hold on.
No. No. Gracias.
Okay, what's the address?
1 -8-1 -1 .
(Honking)
Hey, toro.
Hey. Hey, man. We got a ride.
Far out, man.
My Uncle Chuey's got a van
we gotta smuggle across the border.
What are we smuggling?
Upholstery, man.
He's got an upholstery shop in Beverly Hills,
but he gets cheaper work done here, man.
(Sergeant Stedenko) The smuggling of marijuana
from Mexico into the United States
has reached a dangerous high.
The methods have become unbelievably devious,
and these seeds
may sow the destruction of the human race.
Gentlemen, I don't think we need to comment
on the seriousness of the situation.
Harry, will you cool that? Stop that, Harry.
Gentlemen, we are on the threshold
of copping one of the largest shipments of marijuana
ever to cross the Mexican border into the United States.
The question is,
how are they going to transport it across the border?
- By boat. - Carrier pigeon.
Freight.
Piggyback.
Plaster casts.
Long trucks. Long trucks.
Let me show you.
Inside TV sets.
No, Harry. No, no, no. Not inside TV sets.
The TV set itself is the marijuana--
the tube, the picture, the aerial, the whole works.
How can you make a TV set out of marijuana?
That's a good question, Harry. I'll show you.
Now, the weed is separated from seed.
The weed is then transformed into liquid.
The liquid is then acted upon
by a chemical which makes it hard
like a plastic.
The plastic is then transformed into a spray.
This spray, gentlemen, is called fiberweed,
and it's pure marijuana.
Thanks to the efforts of our undercover man
inside the dope factory,
we have some very interesting facts.
That is quite a quantity of marijuana, gentlemen.
It is not a lid or kilo or gram.
How much do you think is here?
A million pounds.
Harry?
A shit-load.
Harry!
We do know that the dope factory's disguised
as an upholstery warehouse.
Hey, this is the street, man. Come on.
How can you eat this stuff?
I love them. Don't you like these?
I told you not to buy it, Man. God.
What did you do that for, man?
I would have ate it.
A dog could be in that stuff.
You got the address?
Good dog, man.
Hey!
Son of a...
1 -8-1 --
Is that 7 or 1 ? Ah, it's 7. Come on.
Let's go check this place out.
Hey, we're here to pick up the van, man.
Shh!
(Whispering) We're here to pick up the van.
Have a seat.
The boss will be right back.
Okay, the boss will be right back, man.
Those burritos, man.
Hey, man, where's the bathroom?
Straight in the back.
Yeah. Thanks.
Come on, cheeks. Come on. Tighten up.
(Machines Make Farting Sounds)
Come on, cheeks. Stay together.
Let's stay together.
(Loud Machinery Noise)
Come on, cheeks. Stay together. Oh.
(Sizzle)
Oh, God. I hope that was a fart.
Oh, shit. Ah...
excuse me, sir.
(Machinery Noise)
What?
Where's the toilet?
Over there.
Hey, excuse me. Where's the toilet?
Oh, thank you very much.
Oh, shit.
Oh, I'm sorry, man.
(Muffled Voice)
Man, did you eat one of them burritos, too, man?
Supposed to be eating
a little bit of ice cream with it.
Come on, ice cream!
Even though we do not know what we are looking for,
we do know the approximate value of the weed itself.
Gentlemen, I would like to hear your opinions.
A million?
The television set alone is worth close to a million.
- A billion dollars. - Now we're getting somewhere.
I'm freezing at 200 million.
- Sarge, I think it's four billion. - You're all wrong.
Nine billion big ones, boys.
And you know what that means.
The better the bust...
- the bigger the boost. - the bigger the boost.
Excellent.
Well, I guess that about wraps it up.
Any questions?
(Flies Buzzing)
(Pedro) Where'd you learn how to roll them big joints, man?
You like that, man?
Whoa. They're heavy.
I used to be a roadie for the Doobie Brothers.
What a groovy gig.
Yeah. That's how I learned to play drums.
Oh, yeah?
Beating on the drums.
Hey, I dig Mexico, man.
I'd like to come back here
When we got more time.
Are we at the border already?
Looks that way, man.
Shit. Hey, man, get rid of the stuff.
Oh, yeah.
Better get rid of this shit.
(Inhales Deeply)
Man, put it down. Get rid of it.
We're at the border, man.
Shit.
Oh, lookit.
(Puffing)
Hey, get rid of it! Not that way, man.
Throw it out!
Throw it out.
(Honking)
This is Toyota Kawasaki
here at the Mexican- United States border
where a huge task force of narcotic and customs agents
is preparing a surprise welcome for a vehicle
which they say is constructed
entirely of high-grade marijuana.
Don't make that face, man.
You make me laugh.
Okay, just let me do all the talking.
Good afternoon, sisters.
Good afternoon, officer.
How long have you been in Mexico?
Okay, just be cool.
How long have you guys been in Mexico?
A week-- I mean, a day.
Which one is it,
a week or a day?
A weekday.
You got any narcotics
or marijuana in here?
(Coughs)
Uh, not anymore.
You guys better step out of that van.
Aah! I'm on fire!
Oh, Sister is on fire!
(Dog Barking)
Hey, this looks like a bust.
Get Stedenko on the phone. This may be it.
Hey, come on. What have we got here, Sister?
Hey, they're busting nuns, man.
Wow. That's cold-blooded.
Hey, let's watch.
Okay, up against the wall. All of you.
Spread them.
Let's get up against the wall.
(Kawasaki) Sergeant Stedenko,
exactly what are you looking for?
Dope, drugs, weed, grass,
toot, smack, quackers,
uppers, downers, all-arounders.
You name it, we want it.
And how important is it to you
to apprehend the suspects?
Critical-- The buying and selling of dope in this country
may be the last vestige of free enterprise left.
There's rumor, Sergeant,
that the suspects might be armed and dangerous.
Do you expect to see any violence here today?
I certainly hope so.
Sergeant, have you yourself smoked marijuana?
Only once.
Hey, look, we're on TV, man.
Sergeant, telephone.
Hi, Mom.
This could be it.
(Man Stoner) Why are there so many cops?
Let's find out.
Listen, I got to go pee first.
Okay, don't go scuba diving.
So it was a station wagon, huh, Harry?
Very devious.
And they almost look like real nuns,
don't they, Harry?
Down to the stockings.
Very clever. Very clever.
Not bad.
You ought to be ashamed of yourself,
you know that?
Reminds me of a funny story my dad told me.
The only kind of meat
a priest could eat on Friday was nun.
Inside!
Harry, get a sample of that car.
Yes, Sergeant.
(Whimpering)
Start the interrogation, Murphy.
I'll be right back.
(Sniffing)
(Barking)
Hey, what's going on out there, man?
Huh? Excuse me. What's going on out there?
Don't worry about it, buddy. It's nothing.
Just some people doing what they're not supposed to do.
Son of a bitch. Look at the--
Some asshole pissed on my leg!
Listen, our agent just phoned from Mexico.
It's not a bunch of nuns in a station wagon.
It's two hippies in a green van.
Must be some heavy shit.
Let's go! Come on!
Get that siren up!
Where would these two creeps hang out?
Where do hippies hang out today?
Sunset Strip-- That's where they hang out.
Yeah, we could try there.
If they're not there,
we could go up to San Francisco.
Imagine the field day
those two creeps are gonna have
when they find out that van is made of grass.
(Siren)
Huh?
(Stedenko) I don't believe it. I really don't.
You guys are supreme idiots.
How could you let a big green van
slip right through your fingers?
Spend one week at the border,
and what do we end up with?
Busting a bevy of nuns,
a guy pisses on my leg,
and I lose my special canine sentry dog--
Best cop I ever knew.
See anything?
Negative.
Well, use mine. They're on the floor.
Oh, yeah. These are great, Sergeant.
You can see everything.
What do you see?
You know, there's a great donut shop up there.
Do we have time--
No! No! I mean on the road!
Wait a minute. There's the van.
There's the van!
Yeah, that's it.
(Man Stoner) Hey, listen, man.
When we get back to town,
let's get serious about this group, okay?
Yeah, really, man.
Like, if we practice all the time,
we could have a heavy band.
Let's not let anything interfere with our music.
Yeah, that's right.
Hey, you see what I see, man?
Yeah...
Hey, they're hitchhiking, man.
(Honking)
(Siren)
(Stedenko) There they go, Harry.
Keep your eye on them.
(Man Stoner) Wonder what they're doing way out here.
I don't know,
but here comes the Mounties to the rescue.
Holy...
Wow.
Turn around, Harry. They're over there.
Keep your eye on them, Harry!
Hey, man, you know how to drive, man?
Sort of. Why?
Take over, man.
Hey, what are you doing, man?
Hi, ladies.
Hi.
Hey, entrez vous, alla yous.
Thanks.
There you go. Watch your step.
I'll watch everything else.
(Mumbling)
Hey, what's happening?
How far are you going, man?
All the way.
All right.
We're going there ourselves.
Come on over.
(Stedenko) There they go, Harry!
I see them.
Shoot their tires out!
Got it.
No, not yours. Use my gun.
(Gunshot)
Oh, my God!
Damn it! You stupid idiot!
Look, you idiot!
You are a stupid, stupid man!
Get over here, Harry!
Get over here. Give me that gun.
When I think of the time and money
I've wasted on your training,
and you still turn out to be a blithering idiot!
You're an utter failure!
You make me sick!
Have you anything to say for yourself?
In the car!
God, I will never, ever, never
take a baldheaded man in the department again.
Wow. This is a neat van.
Yeah. Want to see the rest of it?
Sure.
Okay, we'll go right back there.
The rest of it is right back there.
Go ahead. Watch your step.
Yeah. There you go.
Yeah, right back there.
Hey, have fun at Magic Mountains.
Oh, yeah. I see London. I see France.
If I ain't out in three weeks, man,
send a search party.
Hey, hold on. Don't start without me.
Want to do a lude?
(Loudly) You got ludes?
No, I don't have any ludes!
I wish I had ludes.
I thought you said you had some.
(Loudly) No, I don't have some.
(Whispering) I don't have enough.
Oh, right. All right.
I wish I had some, you know.
I love a manly chest.
Yeah. So do I...
I mean, on a girl.
Attention, all units.
This is Sergeant Stedenko.
Attention, all units.
This is Sergeant Stedenko.
We are changing from a code 3 direct pursuit
to a code 34 7-- completely lost
due to incompetence.
These chicks are going to the Roxy, man.
They're having a battle of the bands there, man.
Debbie was telling me all about it.
The winner gets a record contract.
A battle of the bands?
It's like the best thing in the world.
Everyone's going to be there and everything.
The winner gets a record contract, man.
That's not going to mean dick
unless they promote you, you know.
We could enter our band. We could win.
It's $ 1 00, too.
We couldn't enter. We don't even know any tunes yet.
What do you mean? We had two rehearsals.
Besides, it's just punk rock.
You don't have to know how to play.
You just got to be a punk. We could do that.
We got to get loaded first, though.
Yeah, we should get loaded.
We need some smoke, man.
Jeez, we need to score a lid.
Stop, and I'll call Gloria.
Who's Gloria?
Hi. You're looking good.
You want to go, like, powder our noses?
Anyway, I want to talk some business, okay?
Yeah. I got the powder.
She's got the best stuff, I'm telling you.
Boy, she can bust me anytime.
You should see her summer whites.
In here.
Wow. That's heavy.
Yeah, man, but I bet a lot of cops
smoke dope now, you know.
No, I mean, look at that, man.
Looks like a radio station.
The request lines are now open!
KGFJ soul radio-o-o-o-o-o!
Do it now, man.
Request lines are now--
(Echoing)
It's open, man.
Go ahead. Go ahead.
All right, Officer Clyde, contact headquarters
and give them our present location.
And then I'm going to take off your dress...
(Panting)
and then I'm going to take off your bra...
Ha ha ha!
and then I'm going to take off your shoes.
Whew. Whew.
Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello.
Can you hear me?
Hello, headquarters? Hello, headquarters?
Come in, headquarters.
This is Officer Clyde.
Use the code name. The code name.
Headquarters. Headquarters, come in, please.
This is code name Hardhead.
Hat! Hard Hat. Give me that.
Hello, radio dispatch?
This is code name Hard Hat.
Do you read me? Over.
Was that Lard Ass?
Ha!
Hard Hat. Code name Hard Hat.
Do you read, radio dispatch?
Hey, got something for you, Lard Ass.
Hard Hat!
Do you understand?
Lard Ass! Lard Ass!
Hard Hat!
Radio dispatch, do you know who this is?
No. Who is ''this is''?
This is Sergeant Stedenko.
Oh, yeah? You know who this is?
No.
Bye-bye, Lard Ass.
(Tires Screeching)
(Horn Honking)
(Stedenko) Attention, headquarters.
This is code name Lard--
This is code name Hard Hat.
Any sighting of them in the last half-hour?
They burnt the stash they had.
Oh, no.
Yeah. Can you believe it?
They burned the whole thing yesterday.
Oh, no.
They're expecting a new one from Tijuana...
I was in Tijuana once.
...worth millions and millions of dollars.
Ohh.
The cops are out looking for it now.
Jesus, I hope they find it.
If they find it, set aside some lids for me.
Well, you can believe we'll have a party.
Why don't we just, like, split, okay?
Glo, see you.
You want me to give your number to that guy, let me know.
What's that?
I can't believe they burned all this.
Hey, I got to go to the bathroom.
I'll meet you guys outside, okay?
(Whistling)
Hey, homes.
Come on, man.
(Whistling)
Sometimes when you got to go really bad, you can't, you know?
Come on, man.
You wanted to go out there.
I'll put you back in the closet.
I think he's got stage fright, man.
Come on, man.
Ohh.
Ahh, yeah. That's the one.
Oh, hey, man.
Thanks an awful lot, man.
Hey! Hey! Hey!
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
Come on! Look at--Hey!
I'm sorry.
Hey, come ba--
Jesus!
(Telephone Ringing)
(Pedro) Hey, everybody be quiet. I'm calling home.
Hello. Who's this?
James! Man, hey, listen.
We got a gig at the Roxy, man.
So get the guys, okay?
All right, man. Be sure to be there.
See you later.
All right. It's together, man.
We're going to be there.
We're going to take this battle of the bands.
(Engine Starts)
Does this show?
Uh, yeah, they sure do.
No. I mean this, this spot.
Let's see.
Yeah, a little bit.
I'll take it out for you.
Will you?
Sure.Just take it off.
(Siren)
(Jade) I can stay here.
I'll just do it here, okay?
Oh, hey, hey, no, man. Get in the back.
Get in the back.
Okay.
Get in the back.
Whoa!
Okay.Jesus.
Hey, Pedro?
Pedro?
What's the matter?
Pedro!
You still like me, don't you?
Pedro, come here, man.
He is so sweet, you know?
Pedro, get out here.
Man, where'd you learn how to drive?
We got stopped by the cops.
I don't have a license.
Why didn't you tell me that?
What are we going to do?
Oh, shit.
Change places with me.
I don't think he's seen us.
No, no. Sit down.
I've got my leg caught.
Man, like, get over, man.
What do you guys want?
(Chuckling)
Nothing.
You mind if I have a bite of your hot dog?
Oh, yeah. Yeah, man.
You can have the whole thing.
Thanks.
Want some Fritos?
No. This is fine.
Thank you.
Hey, you guys have a nice day.
Thank you.
Hey, man.
What?
You're squashing my nuts.
Oh.
Hey, did that really happen?
What was that dude's trip, man?
I thought we were going to get busted.
Shh. It might be a trick.
Okay, sit there and be cool.
Oh, shit.
Look at him, man.
I wonder what he's been smoking.
Whatever it is, I wish we had some, man.
No kidding.
We got to score some.
Yeah, but where, man?
There's got to be somebody in this town
that's got a lot of smoke.
(Siren)
Ha ha ha!
I want all you mothers off the street
All you lambs off this bloody beat
Well, my freedom's just begun
So if you can't rock, you'd better run
A new age is on the rise
With safety pins stuck in their eyes
The time has come, let's get it down
Let's find the weirdest band in town
At the rock fight
Tonight there's gonna be a rock fight
A highfalutin, tootin' rock fight
There might even be a fistfight
At the rock fight
We'll be rock-'n'-rollin' all night
Long-haired music is what it's all about
Rock-'n'-roll turned inside out
Who's that lady that's lying on the floor?
Need some speed to dance some more
Guitars wailin' out a tune
Groovin', howling at the moon
Oh, baby, those purple eyes
Dimpled cheeks and satin thighs
Don't take the kiddies to the zoo
Wait awhile, I'm going to take you
To the rock fight
Tonight there's gonna be a rock fight
A highfalutin, tootin' rock fight
There might even be a fistfight
At the rock fight
They'll be rock-'n'-rollin' all night
She was, like, nuts.
You could always tell if she was balling her old man.
Everyone would be dozing off,
and all of a sudden she'd start up.
First it would start like--
Ohh. Ohh. Ohh. Ohh.
But then she'd really get going,
and she'd be more like--
Ohh! Ohh! Ohh! Ohh!
And she'd start going like a motorboat, you know?
Fu-u-uck me, Alex!
Her boyfriend's name was Alex.
Fu-u-uck me-e-e-e!
Fuck me, Alex!
Oh, I got a cramp!
Oh! Got a cramp!
Yeah! Yeah!
Ow! Ow! Ow! Oh, God!
Yeah. That's just like it. You're doing good.
Ow! Ow!
Oh, yeah! Oh!
Ow! Ow!
Oh, yes! Oh, yes!
Ow! Ow!
Ohh! Ohh! Ohh!
Ahh! Ahh! Ahh!
There.
Oh, yeah! That's just like it.
Then she'd have, like, two tears.
Oh, it's better. It's out. It's out.
Ahh, it's better.
Oh, that feels better. Oh, God.
Shit. I need some air.
(Cheering)
Right on, man.
I didn't know your name was Alex, man.
Oh, I got a cramp.
Shit, I'd have a cramp there, too.
What's going on out here?
Hey! Hey! You don't even know where you're going.
Wait for me.
Make way for the new king.
Goddamn. You're a star, man.
Go ahead. After you, King Salami.
They're going to be sorry.
Like, I know where the best dressing room is.
Ooh, yeah, yeah!
Ba-ba-ba-ba, ooh, yeah, yeah
Well, I'm living so fast
So you better feel it, baby
I got no place to go
I mean, it's so socko, so socko
So very socko
So socko
So very socko
So socko
So very socko
Baby, I'm just so socko
So socko...
Acting like a bum...
The next day, he comes up to me, and he says,
''Thanks for being there. like, you saved my life.''
Just like Cher.
(Humming)
Hey, man, what are you doing?
Come on, man. Get it together.
We're on in two more bands.
You ought to hear what these other groups are into.
These kids are into something heavy.
I've been writing this new song.
Mama talkin' to me, tryin' to tell me how to live
(Humming)
'Cause I don't listen to her
'Cause my head is like a sieve
Hey, man, are you awake?
I don't feel so good, man.
Did you try to give him some pills?
Yeah, I tried, but I gave him ups.
Shit, man. Come on.
Hey, how many fingers you see?
Uh...
I think I fucked up.
Oh, shit. Anybody got any coffee or anything?
I got a popper.
We could either party later or try to start his heart.
Get on the level. Get up.
Huh?
Okay, come on. Up.
Oh, shit. Watch where you're going.
You're not dying.
You know what I'm saying?
While I got you here, I was thinking
maybe we should have some paper between us,
because in this business
a handshake doesn't mean dick.
Everybody into the van. Hurry! Hurry!
Come on. Come on.
All right. Harry, come on.
Look at all these freaks.
(Horn Honking)
Zipping down.
Aha! There's one of them.
(Tambourines Playing)
You know, I would totally die for you.
You know what I mean?
(Unintelligible)
Well, you dance and rock all wrong
Summer of love is 1 0 years gone
You know in 1 0 years, baby, I'll be gone
But I'm now
Flowers in your hair
'Cause there's nothing under there
Peace and love for free
They don't mean a thing to me
Join our band
Baby, we're through
I want to be like me.
Like, I have my own special way of looking and dressing.
That's me.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Taurus.
Piss off!
Mother's nice, and Daddy's nice
Say it again, and you say it twice
I'd be telling you a pack of lies
And you'd be burying me through moonlit eyes
But you are rocking out in bi-school
I want to go to your school
I don't want to go to my school
'Cause I want to go to bi-school
(Chanting)
Everybody in, boys. All the way down.
That's right, boys.
We want to talk to you boys
about joining your order.
What size sheet do you wear?
(Horn Honking)
Mmm ba-ba, mmm ba-ba
Hey! Hold on.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Can I see some tickets, guys?
We don't need tickets.
We are brothers of the faith.
We don't need tickets to walk with love.
We got to see tickets.
All right. We are not brothers of the faith.
We are police officers.
Sorry, man. You got to have tickets.
Let's have some tickets.
No. That is a gun. That is not a ticket.
Did you bring the I.D.?
No. Uh-uh.
We have got to get in here right now.
This is very important.
Hey, Sarge. The van.
Huh? The van!
Jeez, no wonder Anita Bryant's pissed off.
(Horn Honking)
Hey! Hey! Wait a minute.
Hey, you!
Hey, where are you taking this tow truck?
Where are you going with our van?
Take a walk.
What do you mean, take a walk? Who are you?
Who owns this van?
Who are you, anyway?
Sergeant Stedenko.
What van?
What do you mean? This van right here.
(Driver) Let's see some I.D.
Hold it right there.
Come back here.
Tell him we didn't do nothing.
You didn't do a damn thing.
Take it easy! Take it easy!
Hey, you know who he is?
Tell him, boss.
Benny, shut up.
We got to call the paddy wagon.
Moving right along,
we don't know who they are,
but here's Alice Bowie.
Don't worry about it.
If you die, I'm the manager.
(Band Warming Up)
(Cheering)
You'd better be good.
Look, I'm not just in it for the money.
I really like it.
Hi. Hi.
Jade East.
(Cheering)
(Booing)
You're the worst!
You guys really had a scheme going, didn't you?
Thought you'd get away with it?
Almost $9 billion.
Nine billion big ones to help disease young minds
with marijuana, smack, toot, crackers, you name it.
Sarge, the wagons are on their way.
Do you realize that this is the bust?
This is the one that will send me to the top.
Nail it down, man.
(Stedenko) Harry?
What?
Are you sure you talked to headquarters?
They said they're on their way.
How about a cheeseburger?
No. A sundae.
Hot fudge?
With some whipped cream on top, nuts.
What's this?
They're anchovies.
Ah, good. Thanks.
I'll buy you something to eat.
I'm stoned.
Yes, you are very, very stoned.
Look at this.
(Giggling)
Sick! You've got food all over your uniform.
You've got no self-control whatsoever.
Come on, man! Let's do it!
(Booing)
Do something!
(Cheering)
All right! You guys ready?
(Cheering)
1 , 2, 3!
Yeah!
My mama talkin' to me, trying to tell me how to live
But I won't listen to her
Because my head is like a sieve
My daddy, he disowned me
Because I wear my sister's clothes
He caught me in the bathroom with a pair of panty hose
My basketball coach, he done kicked me off the team
For wearing high-heeled sneakers
And acting like a queen
Why don't you guys admit it?
You got the munchies, right?
I've never seen anything so disgusting in all my life.
You've let me down, boys.
Harry, are you understanding me?
I am stoned! I am stoned!
So go with it.
Put it in your sundae.
Go with it? Get away from...
You almost botch up the entire operation,
you lose my best dog,
two guys piss on my leg,
and you tell me to go with it?
I'll go with it!
Go with it. G-go with it.
Ha ha ha ha ha!
I'm so bloody rich!
I only know three chords!
You fools!
(Yelling Unintelligibly)
(Audience Chanting) More! More! More!
(Humming)
My mama talkin' to me, trying to tell me how to live
(Humming)
Wow. Did you hear that crowd?
They gave us a standing ovation.
We're going to have a bad band.
We had them eating right out of their hands.
We're going to be big, man, really big.
We'll be bigger than Ruben and the Jets.
All we got to do is keep practicing,
just keep it together.
I feel good, man.
I wish we had something to celebrate.
You got a joint or anything?
Hey.
What? We getting pulled over?
I just remembered. I got some hash.
Oh, yeah? Fire it up, homes.
I need a pin or something.
There's a pin right here on my tutu, man.
Be brave and remind me to take those back.
We'll get charged for an extra day.
I forgot all about this.
We're going to have a limo, man,
and food backstage, man, everything.
We need a manager. That's the only thing.
My cousin.
He doesn't have a job.
We'll make him the manager.
He's got a van. It'll be heavy.
We'll be the heaviest dudes, man,
Get all-new instruments, man, everything.
All right.
What's this?
I think it's hash.
It doesn't look like much.
Where'd it go?
I don't know.
Oh! Aah!
Hey, watch the road, man.
Aah! Aah!
Oh, shit!
Hey! Hey! Watch the road!
Aah! Ow!
Oh, shit!
Hey, man, you dropped it in my lap!
Well, stop the car.
Reach your hand down there.
Stop the car. Here.
Cabron, my huevos is too hot.
Ydespues I choke
Oh, shit!
Ytodo mis care
Go up in smoke
Come on, let's go get high
Up in smoke
That's where I want to be
'Cause when I'm high
The world below don't bother me
When life begins to be one long and dangerous road
I take a toke
And all my cares go up in smoke
Hay gente que se mortifica all the time
Se hacen viejos antes de su tiempo
But I say arabata all the gusto you can find
Porque all of the time get high, high
Come on, let's go get high
Up in smoke
That's where I want to be
'Cause when I'm high
The world below don't bother me
When life begins to be one long and dangerous road
I take a toke
And all my cares go up in smoke...
I take a toke
And all my cares
Go up in smoke